70+ Hilarious Chandler Bing Quotes

Chandler Bing Quotes

There’s no denying the magnetism of the beloved sitcom “Friends” that not only captivated audiences in the ’90s and early 2000s, but also continues to charm viewers around the globe today. Among the ensemble of quirky characters, there’s one who stands out for his sharp wit and sarcastic humor – Chandler Bing. Portrayed by Matthew Perry, Chandler’s comedic timing and his ability to turn even the most mundane situation into a hilarious moment are unparalleled. His remarks have not only elicited peals of laughter but also provided a uniquely humorous lens through which to view life’s ups and downs.

Whether it’s his self-deprecating humor, tongue-in-cheek social commentary, or his endearingly awkward love life, Chandler Bing’s quips are the stuff of sitcom legend. His one-liners, while hilarious, often contain a deeper layer of vulnerability and reveal a man grappling with his insecurities, relationships, and life in general. And so, we invite you to join us on this trip down memory lane as we share some of the most memorable Chandler Bing quotes. Buckle up for a ride filled with sarcasm, wit, and an unforgettable dose of ‘Chandler Bing’-isms. Could we BE any more excited?

Some of the best quotes appear in the following video:

Table of Contents

Best Chandler Bing Quotes

Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.


I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.


Nice camouflage. For a minute, I almost didn’t see you.


I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?


I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.


I can handle this. “Handle” is my middle name. Actually, “handle” is the middle of my first name.


Ross Geller: What am I gonna do? This is a complete nightmare.

Chandler Bing: I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous, my wallet is too small for my 50s, and my diamond shoes are too tight.


I say more dumb things before 9 am than most people say all day.


Ross Geller: I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?

Chandler Bing: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks. I’ve got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I’ve had a longer relationship with.


Monica Geller: Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?

Chandler Bing: Why is your family Ross?


Ross Geller: What are you doing tonight?

Chandler Bing: Why, do you have a lecture?

Ross Geller: No.

Chandler Bing: Free as a bird, what’s up?


Ross Geller: So does it do anything, you know, special?

Chandler Bing: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple. It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.


Joey Tribbiani: You’re smoking again?

Chandler Bing: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m smoking still.


It’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.


I am glad we are having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.


I want to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say I don’t have goals!


Ross Geller: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.

Chandler Bing: Okay, but you’ll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we’ll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

Funny Chandler Bing Quotes

I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.


I’m a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi, Rasputin!


I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.


Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ Was ‘Oh, damn!’


Ross Geller: Ok, look. You don’t have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That’s not so scary is it?

Chandler Bing: Depends on what you mean by “we.”


Joey Tribbiani: Oh, sorry. Did I get you?

Chandler Bing: You didn’t ‘get’ me. It’s an electric drill. You ‘get’ me, you kill me!


I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.


Monica Geller: I think I’d be great in a war. I’d, like, get all the medals.

Chandler Bing: Before or after you’re executed by your own troops?


Phoebe Buffay: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

Chandler Bing: I don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in the area, God only meant to be treated nicely.


All right, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put career before men.


I am not ‘blah,’ I’m a hoot!


Monica Geller: Hey. Where’s Joey?

Chandler Bing: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?


Joey Tribbiani: Okay, Ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

Chandler Bing: What kind of scary clowns came to your birthday?


Like what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan Chan man!


I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.


If I were a guy and…did I just say ‘if I were a guy?’


Joey Tribbiani: Some girl ate Monica.

Monica Geller: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds!

Chandler Bing: So, how many cameras are actually on you?


It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.


We swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sounds good?


Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!

Clever Chandler Bing Quotes

Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow, tin chest.


Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!


Ross Geller: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.

Chandler Bing: Was that place the sun?


Janice Goralnik: What a small world.

Chandler Bing: “nd yet I never run into Beyonce.


Monica Geller: Okay, I’ve got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.

Chandler Bing: How do you find clothes that fit?


Joey Tribbiani: I really need to organize my thoughts.

Chandler Bing: Your thoughts? Plural?


Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.


If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.


Ross Geller: No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.

Chandler Bing: Well, maybe he was nervous.


Chandler Bing: I got her machine.

Joey Tribbiani: Her answering machine?

Chandler Bing: No. Interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.


Chandler Bing: Well, that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.

Joey Tribbiani: You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?

Chandler Bing: Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.


Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?


Chandler Bing: You okay?

Ross Geller: I can’t believe you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler Bing: I’m sorry. It was a one-time thing. I was very drunk, and it was someone else’s subconscious.


Chandler Bing: Anybody know a good tailor?

Joey Tribbiani: You need clothes altered?

Chandler Bing: No, I’m just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.


Could we BE any more white trash?


Joey Tribbiani: Well, you know how we’re always say we need a place for the mail.

Chandler Bing: Yeah.

Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one, but then I decided to take it to the next step.

Chandler Bing: You’re building a post office?


Monica Geller: Oh, my God. The cat’s made my eyes water. Don’t throw it to me. My vision’s been compromised. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. It’s okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler Bing: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.


Joey Tribbiani: I can’t stay too long. I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow. I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What?

Chandler Bing: So when you said get up early, did you mean 1986?


Monica Geller: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler Bing: Sounds like a date to me.


Monica Geller: You’ve got to do something about the humping.

Ross Geller: What? It’s just a phase.

Chandler Bing: Well, that’s what we said about Joey.


Joey Tribbiani: Please move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler Bing: Of course, there they just call it food.


Monica Geller: Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he’s 6′ 2″, 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Gina Davis.

Chandler Bing: You mean there’s more than one of us?


Chandler Bing: Isn’t it a bit cold out for shorts?

Robert: Well, I’m from California.

Chandler Bing: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.


Ross Geller: He’s going in. He’s going in. The door’s closed. I can’t see anything with the door closed.

Chandler Bing: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.


Kathy: You have really great hair.

Chandler Bing: Oh, thanks. I grow it myself.


Ross Geller: You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.

Chandler Bing: Do you want us to leave the room or …?


Phoebe Buffay: What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom.

Chandler Bing: Wow, pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.


Stripper: Look, I don’t need to steal a stupid ring. I make $1,600 a week doing what I do. Any of you guys make that?

Chandler Bing: Marry me.


Rachel Green: Okay. No accountants. And no one from, like, “legal.” I don’t like boring jobs.

Chandler Bing: And Ross was like what? A lion tamer?


Shelly: Question: You’re not dating anyone are you? Because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.

Chandler: You see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said co-dependent or self-destructive…


Ross Geller: I think it’s perfect. It’s just going to be the two of us. She spent all day taking care of my monkey.

Chandler Bing: I can’t remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.


Joey Tribbiani: You know how you always think you’re great in bed?

Chandler Bing: The fact that you would even ask that question shows how little you know me.


Rachel Green: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler Bing: We can? Okay, I’m trying that.


Joey Tribbiani: What’s wrong, buddy?

Ross Geller: Someone at work ate my sandwich.

Chandler Bing: Well what did the police say?

Interesting Facts about Chandler Bing

Think you know everything about the character of Chandler Bing? Well, think again, because there’s more to him than just fun, laughs, and awkwardness. Here are some interesting facts about Chandler Bing that may surprise you. Enjoy!

  1. Chandler Wasn’t in the Original Cast of Friends – Before the actors were cast to the show, the writers created only four main characters to play in Friends. These character were Rachel, Ross, Monica, and Joey. The character of Chandler and Phoebe were actually supposed to be supporting characters with a lot less screen time. than they eventually ended up with. At the end, both Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow were able to convince producers of the show they have what it takes to become main characters as well.
  2. Many Believed He Was Actually Gay – When Friends only started, a lot of fans believed that the character of Chandler was actually gay. However, not only fans had this thought, but actress Lisa Kudrow (who portrays the character of Phoebe Buffay) thought so as well. It came to a point that creator of the show David Crane had to make a public statement in order to clear that Chandler was not gay.
  3. The Dog That Belonged to Jennifer Aniston – Remember the huge white ceramic dog at Chandler’s and Joey’s apartment? Well, this is not just an ordinary prop, as this dog actually belongs to actress Jennifer Aniston. She agreed to lend the dog to the show as a stage prop. This dog was given to Aniston as a good luck present from a friend when the shooting of the show began.
  4. His Name Became Popular – As you’ve probably guessed it, Chandler wasn’t a very popular or common first name first before Friends aired. The writers even used to make fun of the name in one episode, saying that it means nothing. The name Chandler (which is actually based upon a candlemaking trade), soon became popular right after the show started to succeed.
  5. Matthew Perry Wrote Most of the Lines – The character of Chandler Bing is actually based on Matthew Perry himself. Perry as it turns out, is a very funny and humorous person which impressed the writers so much with his wit and intelligence, that they allowed him to sit with them while they were brainstorming for the show. And so, many of Chandler’s jokes were actually Perry’s own gags and suggestions.

For more quotes from unforgettable characters, check out 80s movie quotes, Bugs Bunny quotes, Cobra Kai quotes, and Simpsons quotes.

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