160+ Hilarious The Simpsons Quotes

The Simpsons Quotes

The Simpsons is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series is a satirical depiction of working-class life, epitomized by the Simpson family, which consists of Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. The show is set in the fictional town of Springfield and parodies American culture and society, television, and the human condition.

The Simpsons originally aired on Fox on December 17, 1989. It was the network’s first animated prime-time series since The Flintstones (1960–1966). The show became a cultural phenomenon and garnered critical acclaim for its witty writing and irreverent humor. In 1994, Time magazine named The Simpsons “the greatest television show of all time”. In 2002, TV Guide ranked it no. 8 on its 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time list; IGN placed it at no. 11 on their Top 100 Animated Series list; Complex placed it at no. 14 in their 25 Best Animated TV Shows Ever list; while Entertainment Weekly put it as one of the New Classics in 2009.

Over the years, The Simpsons has given us some of the most memorable quotes in TV history. So, without any further ado, here are the most hilarious The Simpsons quotes!

Table of Contents

Homer Simpson Quotes

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try


To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.


It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.


Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.


Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.


Between your genius and my nothing we make a great team, come on give me a hug!


Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.


I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.


Operator! Give me the number for 911!


Lisa: Dad, just for once don’t you want to try something new?

Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.


If anyone asks you something you don’t understand, just say protons.


Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them.


Look Moe, the least you can let me do is anything I want.


If you’re out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me what you’re up to


Spread the word: peace and chicken.


No, no honey, I love everything you force me to do.


I hope I didn’t brain my damage.


Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.

Homer: Talking to me while I’m watching TV is bad for your health.


There, there. Shut up boy.


Bart: Dad, I can’t believe you’re risking my life to save your own.

Homer: Son, you’ll understand one day, when you have kids.




Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.


Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.


Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!


Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.


Shut up, Flanders!


If these Celebrities didn’t want people going through their garbage or saying they’re Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively…


Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!


Homer: What’s the matter, can’t you afford an ice-cream?

Kid: Yes, but I’m lactose intolerant.

Homer: Son, I will not stand for intolerance!


Oh Lisa, your Mother used to suggest ways for me to improve myself all the time too. But then a little piece of her died, and she stopped being so annoying.


Bart: I’m done working. Working is for chumps.

Homer: Son, I’m proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.


If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?


Marge: I wish you wouldn’t drink so much in front of the kids.

Homer: I tried drinking in the pantry but you claimed that was antisocial.


What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you’re dead, you’ll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.


Oh, great! Mormons!


In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane…


Marge: Right, no more TV at all!

Homer: Marge, this is a Noble Experiment, but like Prohibition it’s just going to end in a hail of bullets.


Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society.


Spider poison is people poison?


You know your problem, Flanders? You’re afraid to be Human.


I’ve got to get back to my round! If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed!


Anything’s possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.


Ah, they got me with their Legal Mumbo-Jumbo.


It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation…


Homer: Then I bonked my head on the table and blacked out. The Doctors thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad, what is the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.


The Brain is so stupid.


Don’t fill up on vegetables, kids! Save some room for those nachos.

Bart Simpson Quotes

I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.


Hey, cool, I’m dead.


She’s like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.


Oh, Space Mutants 4! Drop me off! Drop me off!


Oh! My ovaries!


Everything changes when you get to big one-o. Your legs start to go; candy doesn’t taste as good anymore.


Eat my shorts.


That’s not fair! I’m ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!


I think Grandpa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom’s all wet.


Mom, Dad, just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.


Wow, that is the biggest Rice Krispie square I’ve ever seen! The rich sure know how to live.


If you don’t watch the violence, you’ll never get desensitized to it.


So much for the days when I could say, ‘At least my mother’s normal.


Ay, carumba!




I’m not bad, I just make bad decisions.


Well, I’m bored.


Culture’s in Decline! Deal with it!


Poison the Termites, Gas the Termites, Nuke the Termites, Save the Termites…


A kid who can’t keep his parents’ marriage together is no kid at all.


As the Rabbi says, “Blessed are the Jesters.”


Krusty has little feet, like all goodhearted people!


You don’t have to kill me, Bob, I’ll probably kill myself, soon!

Marge Simpson Quotes

I’m so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.


Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils.


Today he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking.


This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we’ve never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.


You know the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else justice will be done!


if you raised three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right.


Bart! Stop pestering Satan.


Can’t beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.


Bart! You’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear.


I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.


Lisa, you’re learning many lessons tonight. And one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.


Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.


These are Homer’s friends and family. They don’t want him dead. They just want him to suffer.


I don’t want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don’t think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.


Nelson’s a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!


Marge: Okay, Smart Guy…

Bart: Why do you only call me Smart when you’re being sarcastic?

Marge : Do I do that? I really shouldn’t.


Oh, Bart, you’re turning into the kind of boy every Mother wants! A girl!


I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras, a Never-ending Party, Ha! I’m a faded Southern Dame without a Dime.




Okay, you’re overstimulated. Let’s get some beer in you, and then off to bed!

Lisa Simpson Quotes

If you take away our cartoons, we’ll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.


I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis.


Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.


Why do I get the feeling that someday I’ll be describing this to a psychiatrist?


They want sentiment? I’ll pump ’em so full of sap they’ll have to blow their nose with a pancake!


Does it make you feel superior to tear down people’s dreams?


I learned that beneath my goody two-shoes lies some very dark socks.


Don’t you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.


Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don’t need you anymore.


I’m proud of you, Mom. You’re like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.


They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.


Stupid bus that can’t even go to the stupid place it’s supposed to stupid go


Mom, look, I found something more fun than complaining!


Dad, women won’t like being shot in the face.”

Krusty the Clown Quotes

Krusty the Clown: We’re going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens! Aw, don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.


Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.


You, sir, are an idiot.


Hey-hey, kids!


Bart: Snap out of it! You’re Krusty the Clown! One of Look Magazine’s Hundred Most Promising Clowns of 1958!

Krusty the Clown: A lot of suicides in that group. Funny suicides…


I’m not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff, or looks at you. But the love is there!


I work like I drink, alone. But with a monkey watching me.


I’d rather be a happy Shnook than a noble Shlumpf.


I will personally spit into every fiftieth burger!


There are only two rules in TV: don’t swear, and don’t whip it out. It’s not rocket science!


Krustyland has a new ride: The Eyeballs of Death. It only passed the safety by a 3-to-2 vote, and that third didn’t come cheap.

Ned Flanders Quotes

Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.


Well I can’t say for sure, but as a Christian, I assume the worst.


Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let’s not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.


Can I make my famous mimosa? A little sparkling water in a glass full of regular water?


Sometimes God bless her, she underlines passages in my bible because she can’t find hers!


Did a volcano erupt in Candyland? ‘Cause I just caught me a flyin’ red hot!


Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?


I’ve done everything the Bible says – even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!


Thank you for taking me to that Pinkberry place. It’s a lot less racy than its name would lead you to believe


Call me Delta Airlines, because I can’t handle all your extra baggage.


That sounds salty, but you seem sweet. I’m going to call you kettle corn.


Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies,’ volumes one, two and four.


Now I know you’ve had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.

Mr. Burns Quotes

Smithers, release the hounds.


Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!


Okay, I’m going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?


What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!


Summon the Shire-Reeve, wake the Beadle!


Simpson, eh?


What makes a man endanger his job, and, yes, even his life, by asking me for money?


Bah! Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheiks, caliphs and Scandinavians.


Oh, Tuttle’s Sunday Trousers!


Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money.


Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don’t take it, that hoodlum over there might.


I guess this is the end. I just wish I’d spent more time at the office.


Now, a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the activity will be work and the picnic is cancelled.


You’re not as stupid as you look or sound or our best testing indicates.


Smithers: Well sir, you have certainly vanquished your enemies … You must be very proud.

Mr. Burns: No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy, the sun.


Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It’s one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.


This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let’s see. It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times! You stupid monkey!


Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say… I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns: Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.


That’s odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Moe Szyslak Quotes

Oh boy, it looks like it’s suicide again for me.


We’ll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.


Milhouse: I’d like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.

Moe: Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.


Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should…

Moe: Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.


Like my uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.


I am so Not British! Don’t let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!


How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?


I’d have to move in with Mom, who’s dead and doesn’t have a house.


I’m gonna die and I’ve never even tasted cantaloupe!


My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar.


You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age!


She trashed my bar! Oh, no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little. Good for her.


I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.


I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt.

Interesting Facts about The Simpsons

After probably laughing so hard (I know I did), it’s time to learn some interesting facts about The Simpsons that may even surprise you. Enjoy!

  1. Characters NamesMatt Groening, the creator of The Simpsons, decided to call the characters of the show after his own family members. That is until he got to his own name and chose “Bart” instead.
  2. The Color Yellow – The color of the character was chosen to be yellow on purpose. The reason was for the show to stand out when a viewer was flipping through channels, and for the color to pop on screen and be different than the rest.
  3. Naming the Town – The town in the show is named Springfield because it’s so generic and found a lot in the U.S. There are no less than 30 States with a town called Springfield in them. During the show, the town’s geography changed and contained deserts, mountains, rivers, farmlands, and basically whatever the story required.
  4. Bart Simpson T-Shirts – During the ‘90s, school principals around United States banned t-shirts of Bart Simpson, as they were concerned that the character would be a bad influence on the students.
  5. The Voice of Mr. Burns – Harry Shearer said that he modeled that voice of Mr. Burns character in part of that of former U.S. President, Ronald Reagan.
  6. Michael Jackson Guest-Starring – During the episode “Stark Raving Dad” on season 3 of the show, Michael Jackson guest-starred as a mental patient. Due to contract reasons, Jackson was credited as John Jay Smith.
  7. You Can Find the Word “D’oh!” in the Dictionary – Homer Simpsons’ famous word “D’oh!” can be found in the Oxford English Dictionary as it was added there.
  8. Dustin Hoffman Also Took Part in the Show – In the second season, Dustin Hoffman played the role of Mr. Bergstrom, who was Lisa’s substitute teacher. At the time, Hoffman wasn’t so sure that he wanted to be identified with a cartoon show, and so in order not to be credited by his own name, he chose the name “Sam Etic” to be displayed in the closing credits. This is actually a play on the word Semitic, alluding the fact that both Hoffman and Bergstrom are Jewish.
  9. The Simpsons Opening Theme Song – Composer Danny Elfman said that it took him 3 days to write the opening theme song for the show. He considers it to be the most popular piece of music of his career.
  10. Duff Beer – You can purchase an official version of Duff beer, which is Homer’s favorite beer, in 3 variations right next to The Simpsons Ride at Universal Studios.

For more quotes from the funniest shows in history, please visit our articles on Seinfeld quotes, Archer quotes, Ron Swanson quotes, and Futurama quotes.

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