180+ Hysterical Monty Python Quotes

Monty Python Quotes

Monty Python were a group consisted of 6 Brits (John Cleese, Terry Jones, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle), who did surreal comedy on the TV show “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” that they created. In this article, we are sharing with you some of the best and funniest Monty Python quotes that always make us burst into a big laugh.

The debut of the show was in 1969 on BBC Network and eventually, this sketch comedy show aired for 4 season and included 45 episodes. The success of the group and the TV show led to touring shows, musicals, books, albums and movies, hilarious and unforgettable movies that we all quote from to this very day: And Now for Something Completely Different (1971), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979), Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982), Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (1983).

Monty Python didn’t just become popular and loved, but their influence on comedy was compared to the influence of The Beatles on music and were considered an important moment in TV comedy. In 1988, Monty Python received the BAFTA Award for Outstanding British Contribution to Cinema, and in 1999 they were awarded the AFI Star Award by the American Film Institute.

Here is a sneak peek at the quotes in this article:

Table of Contents


Monty Python’s Flying Circus Quotes (1969-1974)

We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.


Customer: This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir, invisible. This is an ex-parrot.


Biggles: Miss Bladder, take a letter.

Miss Bladder: Yes, Señor Biggles.

Biggles: Don’t call me “Señor!” I’m not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr. Biggles or Group Captain Biggles, or Mary Biggles if I’m dressed as my wife, but never “Señor!”


Peasant: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!


Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?

Watkins: For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: ‘no killing’.

Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?

Watkins: No, sir. I’m not a pacifist, sir. I’m a coward.


I’d like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It’s high time something was done about it!


Sorry I’m late, headmaster. I’ve been wrestling with Plato.


Headwaiter: We serve no meat of any kind. We’re not only proud of that, we’re smug about it Head Waiter.


Policeman: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie.

Young Man: What are you after?

Policeman: Oo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Here is a brown paper bag I have found on the premises. I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical purposes.

Young Man: Wait a minute. You just got that out of your pocket.

Policeman: What?

Young Man: Well what’s in it anyway? Sandwiches.

Policeman: Sandwiches? Blimey. Whatever did I give the wife?


Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.

Registrar: I’m afraid I’m already married.

Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but that would be a bit of a wrench.

Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn’t be necessary because…

Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I’ve got a big mortgage.

Man: No, no. I want to get married here.

Registrar: Oh, dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.


Pepperpot Lady: Well, I object to all this sex on the television! I mean, I keep falling off!


Undertaker: Are you nervy? Irritable? Depressed? Tired of life? Keep it up.


Customer: I’ve come about your advert – ”Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition.”

Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?

Customer: That’s right. Just for the hour


Gloria: Dinsdale was a gentleman. And what’s more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.


Criminologist: It’s easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all, he only did what most of us simply dream of doing. After all, a murderer is only an extroverted suicide.


Vicar: It’s about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.

Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah, well, you see, it’s just that we’re not…as yet…totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.

Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.

Devious: Oh well, that’s just insurance jargon.


Wensleydale: Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.

Mousebender: You do. Excellent.

Wenslydale: It’s a bit runny, sir.

Mousebender: Oh, I like it runny.

Wenslydale: Well as a matter of fact it’s very runny, sir.

Mousebender: No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s’appelle Camembert, s’il vous plait.

Wenslydale: I think it’s runnier than you like it, sir.

Mousebender: I don’t care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with speed.

Wenslydale: Yes sir. Oh…

Mousebender: What?

Wenslydale: The cat’s eaten it.

Mousebender: Has he?

Wenslydale: She, sir.


Social Worker: You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!

Man: What? I came here for an argument!

Social Worker: Oh, sorry, this is “Abuse”.


Michelangelo: Good evening, Your Holiness.

Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I’m not happy about it.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Pope: Not happy at all.

Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don’t like?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: It does add a bit of color, doesn’t it. Oh, I know, you don’t like the kangaroo.

Pope: What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: No problem, I’ll paint him out.

Pope: I never saw a kangaroo.

Michelangelo: Uh, he’s right at the back. No sweat, I’ll make him into a disciple. All right?

Pope: That’s the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope: The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope: No, it’s just that there are 28 of them.


Superman 1: Oh look…is it a stockbroker?

Superman 2: Is it a quantity Surveyor?

Superman 3: Is it a church warden?

All Supermen: NO! It’s Bicycle Repair Man!


Mr. Figgis: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties …I’m sorry … Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live forever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-zwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?


Mr. Anchovy: I’ve been a chartered accountant for 20 years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live!

Counselor: Well, chartered accountancy is a rather exciting job, isn’t it?

Mr. Anchovy: Exciting?! No, it’s not! It’s dull! Dull, dull, my God it’s dull! It’s so dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!

Counselor: Well, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they’re a positive boon.


Mr. Smoke-Too-Much: I saw your add in the “Bolour” Supplement.

Bounder: The what?

Mr. Smoke-Too-Much: The Bolour Suppliment.

Bounder: The Color Supplement.

Mr. Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, I’m sorry, I can’t say the letter B.

Bounder: C?

Mr. Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, that’s right. It’s all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a “sbool” boy. I was attacked by a bat.

Bounder: A cat?

Mr. Smoke-Too-Much: No, a bat.


Mr. Vibrating: Come in.

Man: Um, is this the right room for an argument?

Mr. Vibrating: I’ve told you once.

Man: No you haven’t.

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr. Vibrating: Just now.

Man: No you didn’t.

Mr. Vibrating: I did.

Man: Didn’t.

Mr. Vibrating: Did.

Man: Didn’t.

Mr. Vibrating: I’m telling you I did.

Man: You did not.

Mr. Vibrating: Oh I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Man: Oh, just the five minutes.

Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr. Vibrating: Look, let’s get this thing quite clear. I most definitely told you.


Chief Constable There’samanbehindyou: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Chief Constable There’samanbehindyou.

Everybody: There’s a man behind you?

Chief Constable There’samanbehindyou: No, you’re not going to fool me with that one.


Surgeon: Mr. Notlob, there’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.


Raymond Luxury-Yacht: No, no. It’s spelt Raymond Luxury-Yacht but it’s pronounced Throat-Wobbler Mangrove!


Michael Palin: Mount Everest: forbidding, aloof, terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.


Man: That was not five minutes just now.

Mr. Vibrating: I told you I’m not allowed to argue with you unless you’ve paid.

Man: I just paid.

Mr. Vibrating: No you haven’t.

Man: Yes I have.

Mr. Vibrating: No you haven’t.

Man: Look, I don’t want to argue about this.

Mr. Vibrating: Well you didn’t pay.

Man: Aha! If I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? See, I’ve got you.

Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: I’ve had enough of this.

Mr. Vibrating: No you haven’t.


Blood Bank Doctor: No. I’m sorry, but, no. No, you may not give urine instead of blood.


Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith: My father needed a waste basket.


Mr. Pither: You are Rear Admiral Sir Dudley Compton?

Chinaman: No. He die. He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb, and was killed in shooting accident.


Man: Hello, I’m the head of the Careers Advisary Board. I wanted to be a dancer, but there you go…


Dirty Old Man: Get ’em while they’re young, eh?


Archbishop: Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs are so swollen! Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs…are so…swooollen!


Monty Python’s And Now for Something Completely Different Quotes (1971)

Mungo the Cook: You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you’ve done to him! He’s worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honorable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh…it makes me mad…mad! Stark, stirring…MAD!


Announcer: And now for something completely different.


Hungarian man: Oh, my nipples explode with delight!


Woman: Agnes? Did you see who moved in next door?

Agnes: Yes. Black as the ace of spades, they were.

Woman: Oh, well. There goes the neighborhood!


Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner: Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Customer: “VOOM”? Mate, this bird wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Customer: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!


Announcer: In 1945, peace broke out.


Sergeant-Major: Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become SILLY. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do…except, perhaps my wife…and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that’s beside the point! I’m warning this film NOT to get SILLY again! Right!


Announcer: These rabbits have been carefully staked to the ground, so they won’t move around as much, as this is only a one-day event.


Sergeant-Major: Right! Stop that! It’s SILLY. Very SILLY indeed! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it’s just got SILLY! His hair’s too long for a vicar, too, and you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs! CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU!


Emcee: Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and his exploding teeth! A smile, two fangs, and an “excuse me!”


Interviewer: I didn’t really call you “Eddie baby” did I, sweetie?

Sir Edward Ross: Don’t call me sweetie!

Interviewer: Can I call you Sugarplum?

Sir Edward Ross: No!

Interviewer: Pussycat?

Sir Edward Ross: No!

Interviewer: Angel Drawers?

Sir Edward Ross: No, you may not! Now get on with it.


Prosecutor: The Hungarian phrase meaning, “Can you direct me to the railway station?” by the English phrase…”Please fondle my buttocks.”


Bevis: I didn’t want to do this, you know. I wanted to be a lumberjack!

Mr. Praline: Yes, this is irrelevant.

Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we’d sing… sing… sing! I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.

Mounties Chorus: He’s a lumberjack and he’s OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day. Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea. He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He’s a lumberjack and he’s OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars.

Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers.

Mounties Chorus: He puts on…women’s…clothing? And hangs around… in… bars? He’s a lumberjack and he’s OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear papa.

Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears… high… heels? Suspenders? And a…bra? Ugghhh…

Bevis: I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear papa! Best Girl:

Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so butch!


Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Tobacconist: What?

Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Tobacconist: No, no, this is a tobacconist.

Hungarian man: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched!

Tobacconist: No, no, tobacco…cigarettes.

Hungarian man: Cigarettes? Ya ya. Ah…my hovercraft is full of eels.

Tobacconist: What?

Hungarian man: My hovercraft is full of eels.

Tobacconist: Matches?

Hungarian man: Ya ya! Do you want…do you want…to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

Tobacconist: That will be six shillings, please.

Hungarian man: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me…I am no longer infected.


Announcer: In this picture, there are forty-seven people. None of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen. This is Mr E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I’m going to ask him to stand up. Mr Bradshaw, will you stand up, please? This demonstrates the value of not being seen.


Self-Defense teacher: Now, it’s quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!

Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he’s got a bunch?

Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!

Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he’s got a pointed stick?

Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!


Worker 1: Did you see that?

Worker 2: Hmm?

Worker 1: Somebody just went past that window, downwards!

Worker 2: Oh.

Worker 1: Oh!

Worker 1: Another one!

Worker 2: Hmm?

Worker 1: Two people have just fallen past that window!

Worker 2: Oh.

Worker 1: Look, two people.

Worker 1: Three people have just fallen past that window!

Worker 2: Must be a board meeting.

Worker 1: Oh, yeah. That was Wilkins, of finance.

Worker 2: No, that was Robertson.

Worker 1: Wilkins!

Worker 2: It was Robertson!

Worker 1: That was Wilkins.

Worker 2: Oh, yeah.

Worker 1: Be Parkinson next.

Worker 2: I bet you it won’t.

Worker 1: How much? How much do you bet it won’t? Fiver? Right. Done. You’re on. Parkinson next. Come on, Parky!

Worker 2: Don’t be silly, Parky.

Worker 1: Come on, Parkinson!

Worker 2: Don’t be stupid, man!

Worker 1: Come on, man, jump!

Voice: Dear sir, I would like to complain about that last scene about people falling off tall buildings. I myself have worked all my life in such a building, and…have…never… once…AAHHHH!


Customer: Uh, excuse me, miss?

Owner: What’d you mean “miss”?

Customer: Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I…I have a cold.


Sergeant-Major: Now, Director, when I say “Cut”, cut to the next sketch.

Director/Announcer: This is a frightened city…

Sergeant-Major: Wait for it! Director, Cut!

Announcer: This is a frightened city…


Announcer: In the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you a short film starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose.


Announcer: And now, a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his brother’s nose.


Announcer: And now, in stereo.


Arthur Pewtey: It was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush…or I’d never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again.


Arthur Nudge: Oh, wicked. You’re wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge. A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat.


Self-Defense student #3: We’ve done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.

Self-Defense teacher: What’s wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Self-Defense student #2: Can’t we try something else?

Self-Defense student #4: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick.

Self-Defense teacher: Pointed stick? We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Gettin’ all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well, let me tell you somethin’, my lad! When you’re walkin’ home tonight and some great homicidal maniac…comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come cryin’ to me!


Announcer: Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex. Theirs is a harsh. ruthless world…a tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king. But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents…these layabouts in lace?


Elspeth: I left him outside for a few moments while I got some Brillo Pads. When I came back, he was gone. He was only 48!


Sir George Head: Now, the object of this year’s expedition…is to see if we can find any trace of last year’s expedition.

Arthur Wilson: Last year’s expedition?

Sir George Head: Yes. My brother was leading that. They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.



Arthur Wilson: Does anyone speak Swahili?

Sir George Head: Most of them do down there.

Arthur Wilson: No. Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?

Sir George Head: Well, Matron’s got a smattering.

Arthur Wilson: Apart from the two Matrons.

Sir George Head: Good Lord. I forgot about her.


Sir George Head: Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. Most of it is up, till we reach the very top…and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.


Interviewer: One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed, of any age…is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time in five years…to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre. And we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in the studio this evening. Good evening. Edward…you don’t mind if I call you Edward?

Sir Edward Ross: Not at all.

Interviewer: It does seem to worry some people. I’m not sure why. Some are sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.


Interviewer: Ted, when you first went in the film…you don’t mind if I call you Ted, as opposed to Edward?

Sir Edward Ross: No. Everyone calls me Ted.

Interviewer: Splendid. Because it’s much shorter, isn’t it?

Sir Edward Ross: Yes, it is.

Interviewer: Much Iess formal.

Sir Edward Ross: Ted, Edward, anything.

Interviewer: Splendid.


Announcer: This man is Ernest Scribbler…manufacturer of jokes. In a few moments he will think of the funniest joke in the world… and as a result he will die laughing.


Vocational Guidance Counselor: It’s sad, isn’t it…that this is what accountancy does to people?


Mr. Praline: Hello, Polly! I’ve got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot!


Restaurant patron #1: Hello, darling. Sorry I’m so late.

Restaurant patron #2: That’s all right, darling. I’m 20 minutes late myself.


Headwaiter: you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.

Restaurant patron #1: It wasn’t smelly.

Headwaiter: It is smelly. And obscene and disgusting. I hate it!


Restaurant manager: I want to apologize humbly, deeply and sincerely…about the fork.

Restaurant patron #1: No. Really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt. You can hardly see it.

Restaurant manager: Oh, you’re good, kind, fine people for saying that. But I can see it. To me, it’s like a boulder…a vast bowl of pus.


Bank robber: Good morning. I’m a bank robber. Please don’t panic. Just hand over all the money.

Lingerie Shop Owner: This is a lingerie shop, sir.

Bank robber: Fine, fine. Adopt, adapt and improve.


Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes (1975)

1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: What, Ridden on a horse?

King Arthur, Three-Headed Knight, Hiccoughing Guard: Yes!

1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You’re using coconuts!

King Arthur, Three-Headed Knight, Hiccoughing Guard: What?

1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconuts and your bangin’ ’em together.


Knight: Ni!


French: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

King Arthur: Is there anyone else up there we can talk to?

French: No! now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!


Three-Headed Knight (First Head): I say let’s kill him.

Three-Headed Knight (Second Head): Let’s have tea first.

Three-Headed Knight (Third Head): Oh, stop your whining. First we kill him, then we have biscuits and tea.

Three-Headed Knight (Second Head): No biscuits. Let’s just kill him already.

Three-Headed Knight (First Head): Alright, alright. First we kill him, then we have tea.

Three-Headed Knight (All Three): Right.

Black Knight (Second Head): Why, the blokes’ run off!


Old Man from Scene 24: Stop! WHAT is your name?

King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons!

Old Man from Scene 24: WHAT is your quest?

King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail!

Old Man from Scene 24: WHAT is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? African or European swallow?

Old Man from Scene 24: I, I don’t know that!

Sir Bedevere: How do you know so much about swallows?

King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you’re king, y’know.


Dennis’s Mother: Oh, look. There’s some lovely filth over here.


Dennis: Help, I’m being oppressed. Come and see the violence inherent in the system.


Old Man from Scene 24: Our King? Well I didn’t vote for you!!


Black Knight: Right! I’ll do you for that!

King Arthur: You’ll what?

Black Knight: Come here!

King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

Black Knight: I am invincible!

King Arthur: You’re a loony!

Black Knight: The Black Knights always triumph!


Black Knight: ‘Tis but a scratch.

King Arthur: A scratch!? Your arm’s off!

Black Knight: No, it isn’t.

King Arthur: Well, what’s that then?!

Black Knight: I’ve had worse.


Black Knight: Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!


Black Knight: None shall pass!


King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!

Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur: Look!

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.


King Arthur: Old woman.

Dennis: Man.

King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I’m 37.

King Arthur: What?

Dennis: I’m 37. I’m not old.

King Arthur: Well I can’t just call you “man”.

Dennis: Well you could say “Dennis”.

King Arthur: I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

Dennis: Well you didn’t bother to find out did you?


Sir Robin: You mankey Scots git! -What does he do nibble ya bum?


King Arthur: So, where is this beast?

Patsy/Soothsayer: Don’t you see it? It’s there, right in front of you!

King Arthur: What, he’s in the cave behind that rabbit?

Patsy/Soothsayer: It is the rabbit!

King Arthur: You silly sod!


Zoot/Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex!

Sir Galahad: Well, I suppose I could stay a bit longer.


Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said “Ni–“: You must now cut down the tallest tree in the forest…with…A HERRING!!!!!


Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said “Ni–“: In order to pass through these woods…you must find…A SHRUBBERRY!!!!


French: You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.


Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?

Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!

Sir Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant 3: I got better.

Crowd: Burn her anyway!


Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad: I don’t think I was.

Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot: No, it’s too perilous.

Sir Galahad: Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot: No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot: No. It’s unhealthy.

Sir Galahad: I bet you’re gay.

Sir Lancelot: Am not.


King Arthur: Can we come up and have a look?

French: Of course not. You’re English types.

King Arthur: What are you then?

French: I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?

French: Mind your own business.


Minstrel: Brave Sir Robin ran away…

Sir Robin: No!

Minstrel: bravely ran away away…

Sir Robin: I didn’t!

Minstrel: When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Sir Robin: I never did!

Minstrel:  Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.

Sir Robin: Oh, you liars!

Minstrel: Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.


Large Man with Dead Body: Who’s that then?

The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.

Large Man with Dead Body: Why?

The Dead Collector: He hasn’t got shit all over him.


Knight 1: We are the Knights who say…NI!


Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.

Knight 2: NI.

Other Knights: Shh…

Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say…”Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z’nourrwringmm.”


King Arthur: On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.


The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.

Large Man with Dead Body: Here’s one.

The Dead Collector: That’ll be ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.

The Dead Collector: What?

Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There’s your ninepence.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.

The Dead Collector: ‘Ere, he says he’s not dead.

Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not.

The Dead Collector: He isn’t.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m getting better.

Large Man with Dead Body: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.

The Dead Collector: Well, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I don’t want to go on the cart.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don’t be such a baby.

The Dead Collector: I can’t take him.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel fine.

Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.

The Dead Collector: I can’t.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.

The Dead Collector: I promised I’d be at the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today.

Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when’s your next round?

The Dead Collector: Thursday.

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I think I’ll go for a walk.

Large Man with Dead Body: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Isn’t there anything you could do?

The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel happy. I feel happy.

Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.

The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Large Man with Dead Body: Right.


The Witch: I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch!

Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one!

The Witch: They dressed me up like this!

Crowd: We didn’t! We didn’t…

The Witch: And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

Sir Bedevere: Well?

Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.

Sir Bedevere: The nose?

Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!

Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!

Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 3: No!

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 1: Yes!

Peasant 2: Yes!

Peasant 1: Yeah, a bit.

Peasant 3: A bit!

Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!


King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.


King Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.

Knight 1: Don’t say that word!

King Arthur: What word?

Knight 1: I cannot tell! Suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!

King Arthur: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?

Knight 1: He said it again!

King Arthur: What, “is”?

Knight 1: No, no, not “is”. Wouldn’t get very far in life not saying “is”.


King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride’s father, you know.

Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn’t mean to.

King of Swamp Castle: Didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head.

Sir Lancelot: Oh dear…is he all right?


King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.

Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That’ll be your kingdom, lad.


French: I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.


God: Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”…


Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.


God: What are you doing now?

King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.

God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, they’re so depressing. Now knock it off!


God: If it’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people groveling.


King Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence!


Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: Remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!


King Arthur: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.

Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!


King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who’s castle is that?

Woman: King of the who?

King Arthur: The Britons.

Woman: Who are the Britons?

King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

Woman: I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.


Monty Python’s Life of Brian Quotes (1979)

Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?

Prisoner: Yes.

Nisus Wettus: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.

Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?

Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.

Nisus Wettus: What?

Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn’t done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.

Nisus Wettus: Oh I say, that’s very nice. Well, off you go then.

Mr. Cheeky: No, I’m just pulling your leg, it’s crucifixion really.

Nisus Wettus: Oh yes, very good. Well…

Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.


Spectator I: I think it was “Blessed are the cheesemakers”.

Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what’s so special about the cheesemakers?

Gregory: Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.


Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People’s Front?

Reg: Fuck off! ‘Judean People’s Front’. We’re the People’s Front of Judea! ‘Judean People’s Front’.

Francis: Wankers.


Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Attendee: Brought peace?

Reg: Oh, peace, shut up! There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.

Dissenter: Uh, well, one.

Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there’s one. But otherwise, we’re solid.


Brian’s mother: He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!


Stan: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But you can’t have babies.

Stan: Don’t you oppress me.

Reg: Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?


Brian: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian: Now, FUCK OFF!

Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.


Matthias: Look, I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying “Jehovah”.

Jewish Official: You’re only making it worse for yourself!

Matthias: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!


Wise Man #1: Ahem!

Brian’s mother: Oh! Who are you?

Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.

Brian’s mother: What?

Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.

Brian’s mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.


Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!

Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.


Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer, half a shekel for an old ex-leper?

Brian: Did you say “ex-leper”?

Ex-Leper: That’s right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.

Brian: Well, what happened?

Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.

Brian: Cured?

Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you! Brian: Who cured you? Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder.


Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?

Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!

Centurion: I have an order for his release!

Brian: You stupid bastards!

Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I’m Brian of Nazareth.

Brian: What?

Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I – I – I’m Brian of Nazareth.

Centurion: Take him down!

Brian: I’m Brian of Nazareth!

Victim #1: Eh, I’m Brian!

Mr. Big Nose: I’m Brian!

Victim #2: Look, I’m Brian!

Brian: I’m Brian!

Victims: I’m Brian!

Gregory: I’m Brian, and so’s my wife!

Victims: I’m Brian! I’m Brian!

Brian: I’m Brian of Nazareth!

Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.

Mr. Cheeky: No, I’m only joking. I’m not really Brian. No, I’m not Brian. I was only…It was a joke. I’m only pulling your leg! It’s a joke! I’m not him! I’m just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can’t take a joke!


Wise Man #1: We were led by a star.

Brian’s mother: Led by a bottle, more like.


Reg: If you want to join the People’s Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh yeah, how much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right, you’re in.


Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?

Matthias: No.

Centurion: Crucifixion!

Matthias: Oh.

Centurion: Nasty, eh?

Matthias: Could be worse.

Centurion: What you mean “Could be worse”?

Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.

Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It’s a slow, horrible death.

Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.


Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People’s Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!


Brian’s mother: What star sign is he?

Wise Man #2: Capricorn.

Brian’s mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.

Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.

Brian’s mother: And that’s Capricorn, is it?

Wise Man #3: No, no, that’s just him.

Brian’s mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there’d be a lot of them.


Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?

Brian’s mother: Stop thinking about sex!

Brian: I wasn’t!

Brian’s mother: You’re always on about it. “Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? ”


Ex-Leper: Half a dinare for me bloody life story?

Brian: There’s no pleasing some people.

Ex-Leper: That’s just what Jesus said, sir.


Lead Singer Crucifee: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble; give a whistle, and this’ll help things turn out for the best. And…always look on the bright side of life…


The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

Brian’s mother: The who?

The Crowd: The Messiah!

Brian’s mother: There’s no Messiah in here. There’s a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!


Brian: They must have just popped by!

Brian’s mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There’s a multitude out there!

Brian’s mother: There’s no Messiah in here. There’s a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!


Lead Singer Crucifee: You know, you come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!


Brian: What will they do to me?

Ben the Prisoner: Oh you’ll probably get away with crucifixion.


Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.


Lead Singer Crucifee: Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.


Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she’s called? She’s called…Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.


Brian: You have to be different!

The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!

Small lonely voice: I’m not!


Pontius Pilate: He wanks as high as any in Wome!


Brian: I’m not a roman mum, I’m a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I’m kosher mum, I’m a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!


Reg: From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.


Brian’s mother: Well, weren’t they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.


Follower: Excuse me, are you a virgin?

Brian’s mother: I beg your pardon?

Follower: Well, if it’s not a personal question, are you a virgin?

Brian’s mother: If it’s not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

Follower: She is.


Ben the Prisoner: Quite the jailer’s pet, are we?

Brian: What do you mean?

Ben the Prisoner: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

Brian: Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!

Ben the Prisoner: Oh, what wouldn’t I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.

Brian: Well it’s not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!

Ben the Prisoner: Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours…they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.


Stan: Listen I’m only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three-foot-wide across your face by the time I’m finished with you!


Centurion: We’ll be back, weirdo.


Ben the Prisoner: You’ve had a hard time? I’ve been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.


Brian’s mother: Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.


Beard vendor: No, no, no. Ten? You’re supposed to argue. “Ten for that, you must be mad!”


Centurion: You are fucking nicked, me old beauty!


Brian’s mother: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but…well, Brian…your father isn’t Mr. Cohen.

Brian: I never thought he was.

Brian’s mother: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

Brian: You mean you were raped?

Brian’s mother: Well, at first, yes.


Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?

Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons Pontius Pilate:

Weally? What was his name?

Brian: Naughtius Maximus.

Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

Centurion: Well, no, sir.

Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?

Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it’s a joke, sir…like, uh, “Sillius Soddus” or…”Biggus Dickus,” sir.

Pontius Pilate: What’s so funny about “Biggus Dickus”?

Centurion: Well, it’s a joke name, sir.

Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.   Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.

Brian: Can I go now, sir? Aaah! Eh.

Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!


Brian: How much? Quick.

Storekeeper: What?

Brian: It’s for the wife.

Storekeeper: Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels.

Brian: Right.

Storekeeper: What?

Brian: There you are.

Storekeeper: Wait a minute.

Brian: What?

Storekeeper: Well, we’re supposed to haggle.

Brian: No, no. I’ve got to get…

Storekeeper: What do you mean, “no, no, no”?

Brian: I haven’t time. I’ve got…

Storekeeper: Well, give it back, then.

Brian: No, no, no. I just paid you.

Storekeeper: Burt!

Burt: Yeah?

Storekeeper: This bloke won’t haggle.

Burt: Won’t haggle?!

Brian: All right. Do we have to?


Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life Quotes (1983)

Noel Coward: Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis? / Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong? / It’s swell to have a stiffy. / It’s divine to own a dick, / From the tiniest little tadger / To the world’s biggest prick. / So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas. / Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake, / Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend, / Your Percy, or your cock. / You can wrap it up in ribbons. / You can slip it in your sock, / But don’t take it out in public, / Or they will stick you in the dock, / And you won’t come back.


Mrs. Moore: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstretrician: I think it’s a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don’t you?


Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord…

Congregation: O Lord…

Chaplain: …Ooh, You are so big…

Congregation: …ooh, You are so big…

Chaplain: …So absolutely huge.

Congregation: …So absolutely huge.

Chaplain: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Congregation: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and…

Congregation: And barefaced flattery.

Chaplain: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

Congregation: Fantastic.

Humphrey: Amen.

Congregation: Amen.


Dad: You’re a Catholic the moment Dad came, because – every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great, if a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate…


Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning?

Obstetrician: It’s a birth.

Hospital Administrator: Ah. And what sort of thing is that?

Dr. Spenser: Well, that’s where we take a new baby out of a lady’s tummy.

Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.


Humphrey: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not…do…vaginal…juices?

Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Humphrey: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.

Watson: Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

Humphrey: What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

Wymer: Suck the nipple, sir? Humphrey: Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.

Pupil: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.

Humphrey: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?

Pupil: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.

Humphrey: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

Watson: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Humphrey: Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along.


Harry Blackitt: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can’t afford to bloody feed.

Mrs. Blackitt: What are we dear?

Harry Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.

Mrs. Blackitt: Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?

Harry Blackitt: Because…every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby. Mrs.

Blackitt: But it’s the same with us, Harry.

Harry Blackitt: What do you mean?

Mrs. Blackitt: Well, I mean, we’ve got two children, and we’ve had sexual intercourse twice.

Harry Blackitt: That’s not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.

Mrs. Blackitt: Really?

Harry Blackitt: Oh, yes, and, what’s more, because we don’t believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.

Mrs. Blackitt: What, you mean…lock the door?

Harry Blackitt: No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

Mrs. Blackitt: What do you mean?

Harry Blackitt: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you…

Mrs. Blackitt: Oh, yes, Harry.

Harry Blackitt: And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure…that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.

Mrs. Blackitt: Ooh.

Harry Blackitt: That’s what being a Protestant’s all about. That’s why it’s the church for me. That’s why it’s the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual’s right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas…and, Protestantism doesn’t stop at the simple condom. Oh, no. I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

Mrs. Blackitt: You what?

Harry Blackitt: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

Mrs. Blackitt: Have you got one?

Harry Blackitt: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry’s and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, ‘Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I’ll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.’

Mrs. Blackitt: Well, why don’t you?

Harry Blackitt: But they – Well, they cannot, ’cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.


Grim Reaper: I am the Grim Reaper.

Geoffrey: Who?

Grim Reaper: The Grim Reaper.

Geoffrey: Yes, I see.

Grim Reaper: I am death.

Geoffrey: Yes, well, the thing is, we’ve got some people from America for dinner tonight, and…

Angela: Who is it, darling?

Geoffrey: It’s a ‘Mr. Death’ or something. He’s come about the reaping? I don’t think we need any at the moment.


Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say ‘let me tell you something’ and ‘I just wanna say this’. Well, you’re dead now, so shut up!

Howard Katzenberg: Dead?

Grim Reaper: Dead!

Angela: All of us?

Grim Reaper: All of you.

Geoffrey: Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we’re all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house.


Patient: What do I do?

Dr. Spenser: Nothing, dear! You’re not qualified!


Zulu War Soldier: Here is better than home, eh, sir? I mean, at home if you kill someone they arrest you, here they’ll give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. I mean, I killed fifteen of those buggers. Now, at home they’d hang me, here they’ll give me a fucking medal, sir.


Father: The mill’s closed! There’s no more work. We’re destitute.

Children: Ohhhhh.

Father: Come in, my little loves. I’ve got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments. That’s the way it is, my loves. Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they’ve done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they’d let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now.


Mrs. Hendy: Do all philosophers have an ‘s’ in them?

Mr. Marvin Hendy: Yeah I think most of them do.

Mrs. Hendy: Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?

Mr. Marvin Hendy: Yeah. Right, she could be. She sings about the Meaning of Life.

Mrs. Hendy: Yeah, that’s right, but I don’t think she writes her own material.

Mr. Marvin Hendy: No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.

Mrs. Hendy: No. Burt Bacharach writes it.

Mr. Marvin Hendy: There’s no ‘s’ in Burt Bacharach…

Mrs. Hendy: Or in Hal David.

Mr. Marvin Hendy: Who’s Hal David?

Mrs. Hendy: He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes…only now he’s married to Carole Bayer Sager…

Mr. Marvin Hendy: Oh, Waiter. This conversation isn’t very good.

Waiter: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. We do have one today that’s not on the menu. It’s a sort of, uh, specialty of the house: Live Organ Transplants


Grim Reaper: Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.

Geoffrey: Well, that’s cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn’t it?



Grim Reaper: Englishmen, you’re all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.


Maitre d’: Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?

Mr. Creosote: Better.

Maitre d’: Better?

Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I’m gonna throw up.


Obstetrician: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

Nurse #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

Doctor Spenser: And, uh, get the machine that goes ‘ping’.

Obstetrician: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.


Mrs. Moore: What’s that for?

Obstetrician: That’s the machine that goes ‘ping’. It lets us know that your baby is STILL ALIVE!


Hospital Administrator: Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping. This is my favorite.


Ainsworth: During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of…off. Dr.

Livingstone: Ah, been in the wars, have we?

Perkins: Yes.

Dr. Livingstone: Ah, any headache? Bowels all right? Hm. Well, let’s have a look at this “one leg” of yours, then, eh? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.

Perkins: Oh, good.

Dr. Livingstone: Yes, there’s a lot of it around, probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you’re playing football or anything, try and favor the other leg.


Ainsworth: I’m afraid we’ve got a bit of a problem…you see one of our officers has…lost a leg. We think it’s a tiger…

Soldier: In Africa?

Pakenham: Sh, sh sh…


Gaston: My mother told me, “Gaston, there are many people in the world, and in order to get along, you have to try and make everyone happy.” That is why I became a waiter, so I can make people happy. Well, fuck you! I can live my life in my own way if I want to! Fuck off! Don’t come a following me!


Fish # 5: They haven’t said much about the Meaning of Life, yet.

Fish #2: Well, it’s building up to it.


Eric’s Assistant: Hello, can we have your liver?

Mr. Brown: What?

Eric’s Assistant: Your liver. It’s a large, eh, glandular organ in your abdomen. You know, it’s, uh, it’s reddish-brown. It’s sort of, uh…

Mr. Brown: Yeah, y -y -yeah, I know what it is; but, I’m using it.


Mr. Brown: Listen, I can’t give it to you now. It says, “In the event of death.”

Dr. Spenser: No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.


Dad: I can’t keep you all here any longer! God has blessed us so much, I can’t afford to feed you anymore.

Nigel: Couldn’t you have your balls cut off?

Dad: Not if you want to remain part of the fastest growing religion in the world, lad!


Mum: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their, Semen with more care…


Maître D’: Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?

Guest #1: No, the food was excellent.

Maître D’: Perhaps you’re not happy with the service?

Guest #1: No, no. No complaints.

Wife of Guest #1: It’s just that we have to go. I’m having rather a heavy period.

Guest #1: And…we have a train to catch.

Maître D’: Ah.

Wife of Guest #1: Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don’t want to start bleeding all over the seats.


Interesting Facts about Monty Python

After we had a good laugh… and jolly we did, it’s time to learn some interesting facts about Monty Python, what a great bunch, ah? Let’s begin.

  1. Expressing Themselves and Censorship – The members of Monty Python stated that they had no trouble expressing themselves and be completely free during the sketches, which made each and everyone extremely funny and of course, controversial. However, as time passed, the BBC started to censor more and more parts of the group’s shows and sketches, which led to awkward editing and tension between the group and the production. I say let comedy be comedy and leave censorship to other things, who’s with me?
  2. Attending Top Universities in England – You wouldn’t think that this bunch of six comedians attended at the top universities in England, but so it was. Palin and Jones met at Oxford University, while Chapman and Cleese met at Cambridge University. Idle also attended Cambridge University, but not during the same time as Cleese and Chapman. So, this group could have done anything in life, thank God they chose to do comedy.
  3. The Only American – Not all six members of Monty Python is British, well, five are and one is not, call him a black sheep. Terry Gilliam is the only one in the group who was born and raised outside the Kingdom. He was born in Minnesota and went to Occidental College in Los Angeles. He later moved to the UK and in 1968 became a citizen. In 2006, Gilliam renounced his American citizenship.
  4. Always with the Pipe – Graham Chapman had a habit which turned into his trademark and it was his pipe. It is said that he was rarely seen without his pipe, either in his mouth or holding it in his hand.
  5. A Beatles Parody – During the 1970s, Eric Idle decided to create a group which was a parody about The Beatles. This group was called the Rutles, and they were extremely popular, believe it or not. So popular, that two of the group’s songs became hits and even made it into the UK chart. Even actual Beatle George Harrison loved them.
  6. They Made It into The English Dictionary – Yes, Monty Python made it into the English dictionary thanks to their style of humor. Because of the great influence of their style of humor, a new word describing it was created – Pythonesque. Definition of this word is: “Denoting or resembling the absurdist or surrealist humor or style of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, a British television comedy series.”
  7. Being a Teacher Prior to a Python – Before becoming one funny python, John Cleese used to work as a teacher. I bet those classes were very hilarious.
  8. Becoming a Travel Writer – After the breakup of Monty Python, Michael Palin became a travel writer. He has written no less than 21 books and hosted many documentaries about traveling.
  9. Middle Ages Expert – Apart from being a brilliant comedian, Terry Jones is also a Middle Ages expert. He has written 29 books (both fiction and non-fiction) and produced shows on the subject of the Middle Ages. Now that’s a true expert, if you ask me.
  10. The Lumberjack Song – The Lumberjack song was written in only 15 minutes, because the group had no idea how to end the sketch, so they decided to place this song at its ending.
  11. The Dead Parrot Sketch – One of the most beloved and memorable sketches by the Monty Python group is the dead parrot sketch, where a pet shop clerk tries to convince a customer that the parrot he has purchased is not dead, but only resting. Well, this sketch is actually based on a true story. Michael Palin suffered problems with his car, yet the car salesman denied any claims that the car had any problem. And from the car, we got the parrot…

For more hilarious quotes, please visit our posts on Ron Swanson quotes and Mean Girls quotes.

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