100+ Brilliant Ron Swanson Quotes

Ron Swanson Quotes

Ron Swanson is a fictional character from the comedy TV series Parks and Recreation. In this article, we will share with you some of the best Ron Swanson quotes to date. The show was created by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur in 2009 and in this show, the character of Ron Swanson (played by Nick Offerman) is the director of the Parks and Recreation department of fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana.

Ron Swanson is very distant, and as a staunch libertarian. He believes in the model of a small government and claims that government should be privatized. According to Swanson, the parks department shouldn’t exist at all, so he is there in his words to “rot the beast from the inside.”

Swanson hates his ex-wives as well as interacting with the public, and does anything he can to make city hall as useless and less effective as possible. What does he like you ask? Swanson likes hunting, meat, woodworking, nautical literature, playing sax, breakfast foods, and Lagavulin whisky.

The character of Ron Swanson has gained a great deal of popularity and even started a cult following.

Here is a sneak peek at the quotes in this article:

Ron Swanson Quotes on Government

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.


I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.


Just let business be business and government be government.


My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.


Am I interrupting anything important? Impossible. I work for the government.


There is only one bad word: taxes.


I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.


I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.


I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.


Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.


I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Even saying it feels dirty.


The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.


Child labor laws are ruining this country.


Haha, “Euro-trash,” I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.


The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.


I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…


When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!


The most important government work I’ve ever done: sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.


My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.


That’s ridiculous. I don’t think of you romantically. You’re pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You’re my worst nightmare.


Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.


Ron Swanson Quotes on Motivation

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.


Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.


Okay, time to head back to the office. I’ve missed an entire day of work, so at least some good came from this.


I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.


Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye


Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.


Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.


Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I’ve won an award.


Ron Swanson Quotes on America

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.


America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.


Capitalism is the only way…It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.


The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.


Ron Swanson Quotes on Relationship and Life

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.


When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.


Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.


I regret nothing. The end.


Your house isn’t haunted. You’re lonely.


Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.


Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.


There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.


If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.


Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.


Round up whoever’s free. I’m going to need more Ron Swansons.


On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.


We have one activity planned: not getting killed.


Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.


Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.


On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.


One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.


If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.


Honor: If you need it defined. You don’t have it.


I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.


Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.


So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?


I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.


I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.


Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours.


In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.


Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.


Keep your tears in your eyes, where they belong


Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.


I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.


It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.


I’ll do anything! I’ll watch a foreign film! I’ll talk to a man with a ponytail!


Another word for ‘jokes’ is ‘lies’. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.


We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.


Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?


I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.


I won’t be hiring an attorney. I’ll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.


Friends: one to three is sufficient.


OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!


The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.


Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.


I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.


Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.


You can’t hack into a typewriter. That’s all I have to say.


Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.


I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.


An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.


I change my locks every 16 days. That key’s been useless since the 2nd Tuesday I gave it to you.


Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?


The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy


I like Andy. I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.


I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.


I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on.


I have to nap up. If I don’t get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.


I prefer quality over flash. That’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.


Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.


Ron Swanson Quotes on Food

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.


If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.


Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.


There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.


When I eat, it is the food that is scared.


Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.


Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.


There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.


Ron, would you like a salad? Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.


I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.


There will be no froof-y desserts. There will be no giant soap bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no fucking vegetables (Swanson’s BBQ rules).


I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.


I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.


Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.


What in God’s name is freegan-vegan?


Turkey can never beat cow.


Dear frozen yogurt. You are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing. Zero stars.


You had me at “meat tornado.”


You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.


I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.


Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?


Breakfast food can serve many purposes.


There’s only on thin I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.


Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.


I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.


What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it? And can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?


Ron Swanson Quotes on Animals

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga; except I still get to kill something.


Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.


Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog.


Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.


We can’t have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They’ll hunt the kids for sport.


Interesting Facts about Ron Swanson

After you’ve probably had a good laugh or two reading some of the best Ron Swanson quotes, here are some interesting facts about him, and maybe even about Nick Offerman, who plays him in the TV series. Enjoy.

  1. Tammy, Tammy, and… Tammy – I’ve mentioned it earlier, but in case you’ve missed it, then both of Ron’s ex-wives are named Tammy. Who’s the third Tammy you ask? Well, Ron’s mother is named Tamara, but she goes by the name of Tammy as well. If you want to have another good laugh, then hear this – Nick Offerman is married to actress Megan Mullally, the same actress who plays Tammy 2 (Ron’s second ex-wife) in real life. Talk about truth stranger than fiction, ah?
  2. Playing the Saxophone – One of Ron Swanson’s secret identities in the show was Duke Silver, an excellent jazz musician. What the writers didn’t know at the time, is that Nick Offerman is a terrific saxophone player who needs no lessons or help, and so playing the sax during the show was easy and smooth for Offerman. So, who plays the saxophone better? Offerman or Swanson? There’s even a debate or just joking around on the subject online.
  3. Swanson’s Woodshop – If you’re a fan of the show, then you already know that Ron Swanson spends way more time in his woodshop than in his office, working. However, what you may not know, is the fact that the woodshop you see in the TV series is actually Offerman’s woodshop in real-life. Offerman even used some wood from the set and made paddleboards for the Parks family, similar to his character Ron Swanson, who saved some wood from Anne’s door in order to make a picture frame for Leslie. Even the wooden keepsake that Ron gives Chris in the show was actually made by Offerman.
  4. Ron Actually Has a Soft Heart – He may seem like a tough guy in the show, rude and impolite, but Ron Swanson actually has a soft heart. During the show, we can see his softness when he gives Andy a college scholarship, builds a canoe for Mark, tries to get Leslie elected more than anyone else, and even tries to detox Tommy Fresh from the Internet.
  5. Taking Paranoia to a Whole New Level – There’s no one as paranoid as Ron Swanson. How paranoid is he, you ask? When April shows Ron Google Maps and how accurate it is, he decides to throw away his computer, no less! Want some more? Ron changes his locks every single week. When once asked by Ann to fill his date of birth, he writes down springtime on the form. The good news is that later on, Ron eases up a bit, so maybe he’ll be willing to tell us when his birthday is, who knows?

If you’re looking for more quotes from hilarious TV shows, please check our posts dedicated to New Girl quotes and Archer quotes.

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