50+ Funniest Archer Quotes

Archer Quotes

It’s funny, it’s hilarious, I would even say it’s brilliant. I’m talking about the best Archer quotes, so let’s begin.

Archer is an American animated sitcom for adults that was created by Adam Reed for FX network. Its premiere episode was on September 17, 2009, and to the date of writing this article, 118 episodes of Archer have aired.

The show Archer is focusing on a barely functioning intelligence organization, with the agent Sterling Archer (voice of H. Jon Benjamin) being its head star. Among Archer’s colleagues are his mother Malory Archer (Jessica Walter), Cyril Figgis (Chris Parnell), Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler), Pam Poovey (Amber Nash), Cheryl Tunt (Judy Greer), Ray Gillette (Reed) and Dr. Algernop Krieger (Lucky Yates).

The show has a long history of inventing itself time and time again. It started as a spy parody and changed into self-contained seasons with separate themes (such as island adventure and space). Eventually Archer returned to the spy film setting after season 10.

Here is a sneak peek at the quotes in this article:

Archer Season 1 Quotes

Various: That’s how you get ants.

Season 1, episode 1, Mole Hunt


Archer: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Season 1, episode 2, Training Day


Malory Archer: Like you would recognise a vegetable that wasn’t wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.

Season 1, episode 2, Training Day


Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!

Cyril: Call girl! She was a…

Archer: No Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers.

Season 1, episode 2, Training Day


Malory Archer: Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Season 1, episode 3, Diversity Hire


Archer: Seriously Lana, call Kenny Loggins, because you are in the Danger Zone.

Season 1, episode 3, Diversity Hire


Malory Archer: We need a diversity hire.

Archer: I vote Asian chick.

Season 1, episode 3, Diversity Hire


Cheryl: Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

Season 1, episode 4, Killing Utne


Cheryl: Hey, will you choke me a little bit?

Season 1, episode 5, Honeypot


Cheryl: I think that’s hot, like somebody murdering me. So… intimate.

Season 1, episode 5, Honeypot


Archer: I swear to god I had something for this.

Season 1, episode 6, Skorpio


Archer: Lana, your eyes are amazing. I mean, not compared to your tits, but…

Season 1, episode 6, Skorpio


Doctor Krieger: I’m sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in… Fort Kickass.

Season 1, episode 6, Skorpio


Doctor Krieger: Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.

Season 1, episode 6, Skorpio


Malory Archer: Well, if I did want a grandchild, I would just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile, and knit a onesie for it.

Season 1, episode 6, Skorpio


Archer: I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana. But, I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment.

Season 1, episode 8, The Rock


Malory Archer: I’ve swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!

Archer: Phrasing…

Season 1, episode 8, The Rock


Archer Season 2 Quotes

Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

Season 2, episode 1, Swiss Miss


Archer: I’m a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life. So, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage.

Season 2, episode 3, Blood Test


Archer: Seriously, this must be what it’s like to have sex with me.

Lana: How can an airboat be selfish?

Archer: Nope, can’t hear you. I’m too happy.

Season 2, episode 4, Pipeline Fever


Pam: Cyril, can you explain compound interest to her?

Cyril: Maybe, if we had an infinite amount of time, and she were someone else.

Season 2, episode 5, The Double Deuce


Archer: Idiots doing idiot things, because they are idiots.

Season 2, episode 5, The Double Deuce


Lana: How? You gonna disappoint it to death?

Season 2, episode 6, Tragical History


Malory Archer: If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I would stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Season 2, episode 8, Stage Two


Cheryl: This is so boring and forever-taking.

Season 2, episode 8, Stage Two


Lana: Team “Live Badass” that’s the best you could come up with?

Archer: Well, Lana. Since you already have dibs on team “I Have an Oversized Vagina.”

Season 2, episode 9, Placebo Effect


Cyril: Krieger’s father was a Nazi scientist!

Malory: And JFK’s father was a bootlegger.

Cyril: That’s like comparing apples to… Nazi oranges.

Season 2, episode 9, Placebo Effect


Cheryl: The train dwarf was real and he looked right at me with his dwarfy eyeballs!

Season 2, episode 10, El Secuestro


Archer: We look totally gay!

Ray: I am gay.

Archer: Well, I’m not!

Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Season 2, episode 10, El Secuestro


Archer: The cumulative hangover will kill me.

Season 2, episode 13, Double Trouble

Archer Season 3 Quotes

Malory Archer: Don’t just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese, do something!

Season 3, episode 1, Heart of Archness: Part I


Archer: What’s your blood type?

Lana: How would I know?

Archer: How would you not??

Lana: Who am I? Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups?!

Season 3, episode 3, Heart of Archness: Part III


Pam: You are not my friend, you are a Decepticon.

Season 3, episode 5, El Contador


Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, no offense, but I’m not in the mood. I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart is not going to be into it. It’s going to be with that tiger’s family… But, you know… go ahead and start.

Season 3, episode 5, El Contador


Archer: No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Season 3, episode 10, Crossing Over


Cheryl: Sorry, ignore me. My whole thing is that I just crave attention.

Season 3, episode 11, Skin Game


Archer: A black astronaut, Cyril. That’s like killing a unicorn!

Season 3, episode 13, Space Race Part II

Archer Season 4 Quotes

Pam: This is Rodney, he’s the new… whatever… gun librarian.

Rodney: Armory supervisor!

Season 4, episode 2, The Wind Cries Mary


Archer: Thank you… What was your name again?

Rodney: Rodney.

Archer: Thank you. Asshole.

Season 4, episode 3, Legs


Doctor Krieger: It’s mushi night, movie and sushi.

Season 4, episode 5, Vicious Coupling


Archer: Yeah, that was the third dumbest thing I’ve ever said. Wait, what were the first two?

Season 4, episode 5, Vicious Coupling


Cheryl: What? Oh my god, was I talking?

Season 4, episode 6, Once Bitten

Archer Season 5 Quotes

Doctor Krieger: Is it murder if they were my own clones? Because I’m seriously asking.

Season 5, episode 1, White Elepant


Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend’s not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.

Season 5, episode 4, Archer Vice: House Call


Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?

Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Season 5, episode 8, Archer Vice: The Rules of Extraction


Cherlene: Who the hell drilled my box?

Season 5, episode 10, Palace Intrigue: Part I

Archer Season 6 Quotes

Lana: Hey! Enough you two!

Archer, Stern: Tell him that!

Lana: I’m pretty sure I just did.

Season 6, episode 2, Three to Tango


Lana: Why are your plans always so complicated? You’re like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones. Out.

Season 6, episode 9, Pocket Listing


Slater: Pam and Crazy Glue, your job is to stay out of everybody’s way, so maybe go do that in the rear.

Pam: What, like, butt-sex?

Slater: Of the ship.

Pam: Well let’s keep an open mind.

Season 6, episode 12, Drastic Voyage: Part I


Slater: He’s had the clap so many times it’s more like applause.

Season 6, episode 13, Drastic Voyage: Part II


Archer Season 7 Quotes

Archer: Eat a dick, gravity.

Season 7, episode 1, The Figgis Agency


Lana: Why didn’t you tell us you were bleeding like a Russian Princess?

Season 7, episode 1, The Figgis Agency


Pam: Holy sh*tsnacks!

Season 7, episode 6, Bel Panto


Malory: And what the hell are you wearing?

Archer: I think, technically, it’s a… loincloth? Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie. Well, I am sorry, Mother. I didn’t know I was going to a funeral. I would have worn a black one.

Season 7, episode 9, Deadly Velvet

Archer Season 8 Quotes

Archer: Are you shitting me?

Pam: I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favorite turd.

Season 8, episode 3, Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe


Pam: So, who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I’m gradually gonna get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.

Season 8, episode 3, Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe


Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.

Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.

Season 8, episode 4, Archer Dreamland: Ladyfingers


Pam: Oh, come on, white? Divorced? Cop? Access to a firearm? Cuckold? Statistically, you are already dead.

Season 8, episode 6, Archer Dreamland: Waxing Gibbious

Interesting Facts about Archer

Now, it’s time to get amazed and have a look at some interesting facts about the show, here we go.

  1. The Show Was Meant to be Called “Duchess” – In the book “The Art of Archer” it is mentioned that Neal Holman who was the art director had created an opening sequence with the title being “Duchess”. That name up until the show was picked up to become a series, and only then the title was changed to “Archer” as we all know it today.
  2. Cheryl/Carol Was Supposed to be Only in One Episode – The original intention for Cheryl was for her to be only in the pilot episode, and that’s it. It was supposed to be a gag in which Archer impregnates all the secretaries of Malory, wipes their memories and then leaves them all at Bellevue Hospital. It was with the casting of actress Judy Greer, when Cheryl then became a regular character in the show.
  3. The Idea for the Show Came During a Hike – In 2008, Adam Greer decided to go on vacation and basically take a little break from television. So, he went for a walk at Via de la Plata which is in Spain. When he stopped in Salamanca, he saw a Spanish man who looked “fashionable” that came across a table with 5 ladies sitting there and started chatting with them. This scenario gave Greer the idea for the show.
  4. The Original Voice of Archer was Actually Adam ReedAdam Reed was the original voice for the character of Sterling Archer, and he was chosen because he already voiced characters in shows like Frisky Dingo. However, it felt a bit “flat” with his voice, so he was then replaced by H. Jon Benjamin to be the voice of Sterling Archer. After this, Reed had no intentions to stay with the show and voice anyone else, but there was a need for another character, so he ended up voicing the character of Ray Gillette.
  5. Every Single Car in the Show is Personally Approved by Adam Reed – It seems that Reed likes American muscle cars, so that is the car chosen for Archer in the show.
  6. The San Francisco Chase Scene with Lana’s Father was Actually a Reference – That chase scene was actually a reference to the movie Bullitt. The background was modelled to look like 1960s San Francisco and not present or modern time. If you look closely, you may notice that even some of the cars in the background match to the movie.
  7. FX Had Some Issues with the Show – FX disagreed with some parts of the show and of the occurrences in the episodes. For instance, FX was against a baby being thrown by Archer in order to disable an assassin, and also against Anka Schlotz being 14 years old in the “Swiss Miss” episode during season 2.
  8. FX Thought that Sterling Archer Was Way Too Dumb – Adam Reed couldn’t figure how the audience would love Archer if he was smart, rich playboy and handsome who was able to beat you if he wanted to. So, he decided to make the character dumb or stupid. FX said that the idea of the bumbling spy was done too many times, so Reed finally came up with his explanation and told FX that Archer is not stupid, but just extremely confident that is sure nothing bad is going to happen to him. That is why during dangerous situations where he is acting as an idiot, he’s just curious to see what will happen.
  9. Malory Archer and Ron Cadillac Are Married – Yes, they are married in real life! Jessica Walter and Ron Leibman have been married ever since 1983.
  10. The Time is Never Known or Specified – The episodes of Archer are driven around Cold-War era politics, but there are also topical references. Computer technology seems old, however, character use cell phones when needed. Reed said that the time period of the show is not exactly defined on purpose.

Interested in another popular animated series for grown-ups? Please visit our article that features Futurama quotes.

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