80+ Funniest New Girl Quotes

New Girl Quotes

In this article, we have gathered for you 80 of the wittiest and funniest New Girl quotes.

New Girl is an American television sitcom that aired for 7 seasons and included 146 episodes. The TV series was created by Elizabeth Meriwether and aired between the years 2011 and 2018. The sitcom revolves around Jess, a quirky teacher played by Zooey Deschanel. She moves into a Los Angeles loft with three other men: Nick, played by Jake Johnson, Schmidt, played by Max Greenfield, and Winston, played by Lamorne Morris. In the series, we also get to meet their Coach who was their former roommate, played by Damon Wayans, Jr., as well as Cece, who is Jess’s best friend, played by Hannah Simone.

New Girl Season 1 Quotes

Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that it usually goes, like…Da-da, da-da, da-da, da…Oh. Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. ‘Cause it’s more realistic.

Season 1, episode 3, Wedding


Jess: Believe it or not, that’s not the first time someone’s broken my Feeling Stick. I have a travel size.

Season 1, episode 4, Naked


Schmidt: Ah! Damp towel! Damp! It’s like a really big Wet-Nap. Ah. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever.

Season 1, episode 11, Jess & Julia


Schmidt: A tampon? Why would you need this for cooking?

Season 1, episode 11, Jess & Julia


Jess: And I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person. That’s just weird, and it freaks me out.

Season 1, episode 11, Jess & Julia


Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of Polka Dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 Hours! And that doesn’t mean I’m not smart and tough and strong.

Season 1, episode 11, Jess & Julia.


Jess: You see the worst in people.

Nick: Because people are the worst.

Season 1, episode 12, The Landlord.


Nick: Be optimistic? Learn? We’re all gonna die alone, so…

Season 1, episode 14, Bully


Jess: You’re a plant killer. And I write songs. We’re weirdos. But that’s who we are. And that’s fine.

Season 1, episode 14, Bully


Nick: Hey, I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies.

Season 1, episode 15, Injured


Nick: You can go to my funeral…but, you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine.

Season 1, episode 15, Injured


Nick: Did you just Fredo-kiss me? What’s your problem?

Season 1, episode 15, Injured


Cece: Are you using your best friend’s medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?

Season 1, episode 15, Injured


Schmidt: Get rid of it, Jess– pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Season 1, episode 16, Control


Schmidt: Take these, and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot, but I can’t cure damaged suede.

Season 1, episode 16, Control


Jess: I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.

Season 1, episode 17, Fancyman (Part 1)


Winston: You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

Season 1, episode 17, Fancyman Part 1


Nick: I want to sit at that desk and veto a law.

Season 1, episode 17, Fancyman (Part 1)


Schmidt: But, I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me?

Season 1, episode 19, Secrets


Jess: Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants or at least some really high socks.

Season 1, episode 21, Kids


Nick: I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.

Season 1, episode 21, Kids


Nick: So, I’ve decided to give up on women and put all that energy into tomatoes.

Season 1, episode 22, Tomatoes


Jess: I want passion…even if it’s harder and hurts more.

Season 1, episode 22, Tomatoes


Schmidt: The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I… have a broken penis.

Season 1, episode 23, Backslide


Nick: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch.

Season 1, episode 23, Backslide


Schmidt: Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. Just, they’re like the human version of pleated pants.

Season 1, episode 23, Backslide


Jess: I hope you like feminist rants, ’cause that’s kind of my thing.

Season 1, episode 24, See Ya


Jess: You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

Season 1, episode 24, See Ya


New Girl Season 2 Quotes

Nick: Yeah, life sucks! And then it gets better, and then it sucks again.

Season 2, episode 1, Re-Launch


Schmidt: Sometimes I think that I’m just a riddle that, well, even I can’t solve.

Season 2, episode 3, Fluffer.


Nick: Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.

Season 2, episode 3, Fluffer


Cece: Hey, I got your text. When you’re going through a Taylor Swift-like range of emotions, I should come over, right?

Season 2, episode 3, Fluffer


Nick: I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.

Season 2, episode 4, Neighbors


Nick: I’d be rich. Like, fill my gas tank all the way up rich.

Season 2, episode 4, Neighbors


Nick: It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.

Season 2, episode 4, Neighbors


Nick: I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like it. It’s too much responsibility.

Season 2, episode 4, Neighbors


Winston: Why not, man? I’m the best with the pranks, man. They call me Prank Sinatra.

Season 2, episode 4, Neighbors


Schmidt: Well, Nick, I’m out of tears, plumb out. All that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.

Season 2, episode 5, Models


Nick: You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man!

Season 2, episode 5, Models


Jess: I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.

Season 2, episode 7, Menzies


Nick: The enemy is the inner me.

Season 2, episode 7, Menzies


Winston: Nick, it’s not that hard man. Just sit down and write. You ain’t Hemingway.

Season 2, episode 9, Eggs


Nick: I’m not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.

Season 2, episode 13, A Father’s Love


Nick: It’s not you. It’s the way that you behave, and the things that you say, and the look on your face, and…it is you! You’re the cooler!

Season 2, episode 15, Cooler


Jess: I’m probably fine. But, I also might be dead.

Season 2, episode 15, Cooler


Jess: You can’t escape destiny. She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. That’s right, destiny is a lady.

Season 2, episode 17, Parking Spot


Jess: If I were a gold-digger…do you think I’d be interested in you? I would be the worst gold-digger in the world!

Season 2, episode 19, Quick Hardening Caulk


New Girl Season 3 Quotes

Nick: I’m not convinced I know how to read. I memorize words.

Season 3, episode 3, Double Date


Schmidt: Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one email. Oh look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.

Season 3, episode 4, The Captain


Nick: Because it’s a great story, and I’m a teller of stories.

Season 3, episode 6, Keaton


Jess: Look, Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note he wrote to himself that said put on pants.

Season 3, episode 7, Coach


Nick: I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn ’em swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon.

Season 3, episode 15, Exes


Cece: You text me, ‘Happy Monday.’ What do I do with that?

Coach: Oh, I don’t know, maybe have a happy Monday!

Season 3, episode 16, Sister


Nick: Schmidt fired me and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I just bought and it was $19!

Season 3, episode 19, Fired Up


New Girl Season 4 Quotes

Jess: My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba. ‘Cause he was super hot, and I still, actually, find him hot.

Season 4, episode 1, The Last Wedding


Coach: You have the right to remain hugged.

Season 4, episode 2, Dice


Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical…How dare you? I’m trying to help you out here.

Season 4, episode 2, Dice


Coach: I hate when Schmidt cries. Sounds like a ghost singing hey ya!

Season 4, episode 4, Micro


Nick: Lying makes me sweat. I can’t lie. It’s why I don’t play poker or talk to pregnant ladies.

Season 4, episode 6, Background Check


Jess: I’d like the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.

Season 4, episode 11, Laxmas


Nick: I can’t go to jail. I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs.

Season 4, episode 12, Shark


Nick: If you think we’re gonna have a bedtime chat, you’re out of your mind.

Season 4, episode 14, Swuit



Nick: Why did you do that? You know how he gets. He turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.

Season 4, episode 17, Spiderhunt


Nick: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. That’s science.

Season 4, episode 21, Panty Gate


Winston: If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?

Season 4, episode 22, Clean Break


Cece: You should’ve seen how fast I came down that mountain. I mean, a lot of it was falling. Luckily, the ground just stopped me.

Season 4, episode 22, Clean Break


New Girl Season 5 Quotes

Nick: I understand your concern, and I’ll make note of it.

Season 5, episode 4, No Girl


Nick: I’m trying my hardest to look poor.

Season 5, episode 5, Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt


Nick: I’m full Nick every day. Imagine how that feels.

Season 5, episode 7, Wig



Winston: Oh my God, you is breaking up with me. Why you breaking up with me and stuff? Yo, this is mad crazy.

Season 5, episode 7, Wig


Nick: Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now?

Season 5, episode 8, The Decision


Jess: Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.

Season 5, episode 12, D-Day


Nick: I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.

Season 5, episode 13, Sam, Again


New Girl Season 6 Quotes

Jess: You know what they call Seattle in Portland? North Portland. Or Vancouver’s shoe.

Season 6, episode 1, House Hunt


Schmidt: On paper, we’re as ugly as Winston’s belly button ring.

Season 6, episode 1, House Hunt


Jess: Emotionally they may not be available, but socially they are.

Season 6, episode 3, Single and Sufficient


Winston: I’m about to take Aly to Mount Smushmore.

Season 6, episode 3, Single and Sufficient


Schmidt: Are you the criminals?! From the statistics?!

Season 6, episode 19, Socalyalcon VI


New Girl Season 7 Quotes

Schmidt: Settle down! Settle down or I’m gonna turn off the music! Try playing musical chairs with no music! It’s just chairs.

Season 7, episode 1, About Three Years Later


Nick: That’s what I’m saying…I don’t have the answer. I mean, Pepperwood was all that I had. Now I’ve got nothing. I feel like I’m, like, a wood-maker who can’t make any, um…

Schmidt & Winston: Wood.

Nick: See, I don’t have anything! I knew it! I got nothing!

Season 7, episode 2, Tuesday Meeting


Nick: Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created.

Season 7, episode 2, Tuesday Meeting


Schmidt: Help yourself to anything…within reason. You may think to yourself, “Oh, they have a lot of expensive cheeses. They won’t notice.” We will notice.

Season 7, episode 6, Mario


Cece: I really miss the old days when I would just drop in every now and then and pick up a suitcase or something.

Season 7, episode 8, Engram Pattersky


Interesting Facts about New Girl

  1. New Girl was the creator’s first TV show – In 2011, when then 29-year-old Elizabeth Meriwether started developing New Girl, she was absolutely new to the world of television. Meriwether came to the attention of the studio when the president of creative affairs received Meriwether’s playbill from one of her theatrical productions. He read her worked and liked it, so he decided to give her a call. Meriwether then decided to write a sitcom that is based on her own experiences when she spent four years moving from one place to another in L.A. and pitched the idea to the studio. This is how New Girl was created.
  2. Jake Johnson lost weight in order to play the role of Nick – After Johnson found out that the role of Nick in the TV series was his, he and his wife decided to go out and celebrate by having some Mexican food. While driving to the restaurant in the car, they decided they would have chips, guacamole, blended margarita, a quesadilla for the table, chicken burrito and tacos. So far, so good. Only then, still on the road, Johnson’s manager called him and said that he needs to lose 15 pounds before shooting begins. So, when they finally arrived to the restaurant, Johnson only ordered the chicken salad and even without any dressing.
  3. The idea of Tran came from Johnson – On of the characters in the show is Tran, an old Vietnamese person who is seen with Nick in the park and befriends with him. He doesn’t speak English, and Tran’s family gets mad at him for hanging out with Nick. The idea for this character was pitched by Johnson to Meriwether during their late-night texts.
  4. The kiss between Jess and Nick was choreographed – Meriwether knew exactly what she wanted when Nick kisses Jess, so she actually demonstrated to Johnson using her fingers as lips how to kiss Deschanel. She continued to guide him how she wanted everything to be, what and how he should do the things so it would be exactly as she pictured it. Johnson stared at her for a few seconds, as if puzzled, and then nodded and said that he thinks he understood what she expects of him.
  5. Prince was a fan of the show and was even asked to play in an episode – Meriwether asked Prince to play in the episode “Virgins”, only he turned it down. She believes that the reason was because the episode was “too racy” in his opinion, but Prince eventually did make an appearance on the show when he played in the episode “Prince”, that was aired after the 2014 Super Bowl. Another interesting thing is Prince’s demands from the production, as he demanded to have paintings on the wall, different hairstyles, different items in Zooey’s wardrobe. If that’s not enough, a specific artwork from Minnesota was flown to the filming location in order for it to hang on the wall.
  6. The original name of the show was very different – When Meriwether started writing the sitcom, the name she gave it was “Chicks and Dicks” and not “New Girl” as we are all familiar with. The problem, is that it gives that show a whole different meaning than it really is. We’re not sure if New Girl is the best title for this sitcom, but it’s way better than the original suggested title.
  7. Amanda Bynes almost scored the role of Jessica Day – Can you imagine Jessica Day played by Amanda Bynes and not by Zooey Deschanel? We look at Zooey and we see Jess, it’s the perfect role for her. Well, it turns out that the part almost went to Amanda Bynes. If he had, who knows how the show would have progressed and how the chemistry between the other actors and Bynes would have been. Good thing we only have to imagine.
  8. Megan Fox could have replaced Zooey Deschanel – When Zooey Deschanel was pregnant, production decided to bring in Megan Fox as Reagan. It turns out the Megan played the role amazing and was very popular, that her turn was extended and there were even talks that she could have replaced Deschanel in the series for good, if Deschanel ever decided to leave or quit the show.
  9. The role of Winston almost went to Jerrod Carmichael – Jerrod Carmichael was the first one that was asked to play the role of Winston. However, he turned down the offer in order to focus on his career as a stand-up comedian. Later on, Carmichael got his own TV show with “The Carmichael Show”, so everything turned out for the best for everybody.

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